Why You’re Obsessed (The Psychology of Rumination)
"You are not your thoughts. You are the awareness behind them." - Eckhart Tolle
You’re not stuck because they were your soulmate.
You’re stuck because your brain is looping—and it thinks it’s helping.
This loop is called rumination: the process of continuously thinking about the same distressing event or emotion, often without resolution. It feels like reflection or problem-solving, but in reality, it fuels emotional overwhelm and anxiety.
🧠 What’s Happening in Your Brain
When you’re stuck in a thought loop, you’re activating the Default Mode Network (DMN)—the system your brain uses for internal narratives, self-focus, and memory recall.
At the same time:
The prefrontal cortex (responsible for logic and decision-making) becomes less active.
The amygdala (your brain’s fear center) becomes more active.
The limbic system (your emotional center) takes over.
This is why the more you think about them, the worse you feel—and the harder it is to stop.
Rumination is not your intuition. It’s your nervous system replaying pain.
📊 Visual Explainer: The Rumination Cycle
Here’s how the loop works :
This cycle strengthens with repetition, making it harder to exit each time it happens.
🎯 Why Rumination Feels “Smart” But Isn’t
Rumination is not problem-solving.
It’s an emotional rehearsal—your brain’s attempt to process the breakup by reliving it.
According to psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, people who ruminate after loss are more likely to experience:
Depression
Anxiety
Impaired decision-making
Increased emotional sensitivity
The more you spiral, the deeper the neural groove becomes—literally. That’s neuroplasticity in action.
💡 CBT-Style Thought Exercise: Interrupt the Loop
Let’s break the cycle with a cognitive restructuring technique based on CBT:
📝 Step 1: Identify the Triggering Thought
Example: “I’ll never find someone like them again.”
🧠 Step 2: Question the Thought
Ask yourself:
Is this based on facts or feelings?
What evidence do I have for this?
What evidence do I have against this?
Would I say this to a friend I love?
🔁 Step 3: Replace with a Reframe
Example:
“This thought is rooted in fear, not fact. I’ve grown from this relationship, and I’m learning what I actually need.”
🔄 Step 4: Anchor in Action
To shift out of the mental loop, move your body or ground your nervous system:
Do a 2-minute stretch
Step outside
Use cold water or breathwork
Journal for 3 minutes using the prompt: “What is true about me right now?”
🔚 Key Takeaway:
You’re not obsessed with them. You’re addicted to the thought loop they activated.
And like any mental pattern, it can be interrupted, rewired, and replaced.
